There was a time when I would drive to a gathering, I would frantically think about what I would say when people asked if I had any kids yet. There was a time when simply seeing a child brought me to uncontrollable sobs that I could never put into words. There was a time when I was staying up late writing papers, and I struggled to even use my fingers to type because I had desperately prayed for my hands to hold a baby, but instead my hands were typing on a keyboard for my master’s degree. There was a time when I despised my body because it felt “broken.” There was a time when I felt the extreme pressure to be only one kind of way around expectant mothers and young families. There was a time when each month was impossible to escape from and was filled with dread because my faith and my hope was met with what felt like rejection – as if something was being withheld from me even though it was the most natural thing in the world. There was a time when the pain of the grief was so deep, and my faith for my emotional healing was hanging by a thread.
Image by Sandy Swagger Jones
Are there still “those times?” Sometimes. But then there were also the times when I heard the comforting words of Jesus who affirmed who I was in Him alone on those car rides; that my body was not broken – but that actually His body was broken on the cross for my wholeness. There were the times while I was in grad school when I passionately researched and learned about how to best teach and serve my high school students with severe disabilities because I just wanted to teach and love them the best way possible, and absolutely nothing gave me more joy than to watch them reach another milestone. There are the times that I can’t help but smile as I think about the story God is currently writing over my life and over my family – that no good thing is being withheld, and I’m actually already equipped with everything I need because of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. There are the times when I look at the people God has placed in my life to care for, and my mother’s heart is whole because I can hardly believe that I have been entrusted to love them in this way. And it’s not a cheap version of the “real thing” that I’ve simply had to settle for….because God’s healing is the real thing.
I’m so grateful that God’s healing doesn’t wait to begin based on the circumstance. I’m so grateful the miracle doesn’t wait to be solely found in a positive pregnancy test, doctor’s results, or a foster care or adoption placement. The healing and the miracles begin when we offer the shattered pieces of our heart to the only One who can make it whole, when we read and declare God’s truth over our lives found in Scripture, and we intentionally surround ourselves with people who are willing to walk it out with us as.
November 2019 marks 63 months of waiting for a child, and the gifts of this journey and right now are just too good. Jesus, thank you for doing what only you can do: true healing and the ongoing miracle. We don’t know what’s ahead, but we do know we only want the unique story that You have picked out just for us.
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the whole earth. He never becomes faint or weary; there is no limit to his understanding. He gives strength to the faint and strengthens the powerless. Youths may become faint and weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not become weary, they will walk and not faint.”
“So then, just as you have received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, being rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, and overflowing with gratitude. Be careful that no one one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deceit based on human tradition, based on the elements of the world. rather than Christ. For the entire fullness of God’s nature dwells bodily in Christ, and you have been filled by him, who is the head over every ruler and authority.”
- Wherever you find yourself on your spiritual journey, my prayer is that you wouldn’t run and hide from the uncomfortable places. Present your heart to God “as is,” and allow Him to do what only He can do.
- Begin looking for the miracles. The gifts. The goodness. Pain and joy can exist simultaneously. It’s okay. Nothing is too complicated for Him, and He wants to fill your life with good things and heal you from the inside out.
- Ask God who He may have placed in your life to help you live this out. Find your community. Fight for it. Who can help you live out God’s truth? If you don’t have a church family and live in the Richmond, VA area – come join me at Oasis Church, or find a local church near you where you can do life with others. We are better together.